Distracting Locale

I must say that yes while the rain in Vegas is extremely annoying, I am not experiencing the Midwest and Nor'easter weather. However, I did spend a fair amount of time in the mountains near Vegas, which is where the beautiful wedding took place. During the time at elevation 6000 feet, it snowed almost non-stop, so I apparently just could not get away from it. Even though my plan to dry out my mucous has not worked, I have to say that experiencing a break from cancerville in such a distracting locale has been great. And to top it off the wedding was wonderfully fairytale princess like so all in all, not a bad get away. I'll be back tomorrow to resume my zapping and treat my doctors and staff to some more sarcastic wit and humor. I'm sure they can't wait.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

My whole plan to dry out my cold and mucous is not working as I had planned. When I landed, it was raining in the desert. What? Then it proceeded to rain for two days; giving the desert some of the most rainfall it's ever seen in a short time period. I guess it wasn't snow though, but I was really counting on the sunny, dry weather. Oh well, a good time can still be had in Sin City within reason of course. The weather channel says it's supposed to stop raining tonight so we'll see. Then maybe I can use the next two days to resume my dry out.

Get Me Out of Here

Just when I thought one obstacle had passed to get to the wedding on time, another might be cropping up. Last night, I got a good night's rest with a healthy 9.5 hours of sleep, and I really did feel much better this morning. That's not to say I was completely out of the woods though. I continued my cold medicine stupor throughout the day just to make sure that I'm nipping this in the bud. Then I checked the weather report to make sure that driving conditions were fair since I was making the 125 mile trip to DM. My weather channel addiction did not serve me well because it said that DM was expecting 1 to 2 inches of snow Friday. Seriously am I in a get me out of here just in the nick of time movie?

The Groundhog's to Blame

Alright so maybe I've been pushing it too hard. Let me preface that with it being hard for me to say that in the first place, but realistically, I need to slow down a bit. I woke up this morning in a fog. My throat was swollen and sore, my head was congested, and generally I felt achy. The first thing running through my brain was "oh crap, what about the wedding I have to get to this weekend in Vegas?". My trip has been planned for quite some time since this is a really, really close friend. But getting on a plane when feeling like I'm inside a pressurized storm system does not work. So I took a hot shower, went to treatment, and proceeded to the pharmacy for some good old fashioned cold medicine. I guess tonight I'll take it easy, get some rest and will myself well. Of course it wouldn't be a good story without placing blame somewhere for getting sick: it was that damned groundhog. Winter, who needs it?

Working Out is Hard to Do

Working out is hard to do after months of putting things in my body that don't belong there. I never realized how badly I was taking a beating with treatment until I went to start working out again. Conveniently Carver Hawkeye Arena is next door to HL, and during the day I can go over and walk, run, crawl or whatever my body will do. Over the last week or so I decided that it was easier to get my butt in gear and take the extra 30 seconds to go over to the arena to start my uphill climb to getting back in shape. So I've gone everyday with the exception of weekends to walk at least two miles. For extra fun, I decided to throw in a few stair runs. The arena has 28 sets of stairs with 42 stairs each. And that's no easy feat to walk down those stairs just to run back up them. Toward the top I get a little testy with myself, but with sheer perseverance I keep on going until the very last one. It feels good to get back to working my body out. Now if it will get off the chemo weight, I'll be happy.

The Vomit Effect

I received some good news today. One stomach CT scan, an endoscopy and a bone scan was enough to clear the way for finding out I have gastroenteritis. Yep I have an inflamed esophagus more than likely from reflux, which is probably the problem with my stomach issues. Well how does the bone scan work into that you're probably wondering? During the CT scan, the radiologist found a lesion on the T12 vertebrae of my spine. So of course having a "history" of cancer, it had to be checked out. The bone scan says it is not cancerous, which I was going for a sports injury myself anyhow. Alas it appears to be just that or at least that's what we're calling it given my aptitude for utilizing this body for any and/or all sports and outdoor activities. When discussing this with doctors of cancer patients, this is loosely referred to as the VOMIT effect since every little thing after a cancer diagnosis has to be taken into consideration once it shows up on a test. Then it leads to more scans and tests, which throws up all the crazy things inside the body. For a minute, I thought maybe I should take it easier on the body I've got, but then what fun would that be?

Saturday Morning Post

In order to expedite the zapping process, I went in to the radiation clinic this morning bright and early. This did not make me very happy since I haven't been sleeping well over the past several days trying to adjust to a new sleeping environment. I need white noise and city buzz in order to sleep effectively, and the HL is great but not what I'm used to. So originally my treatment plan would have ended on a Monday, but with the Saturday morning "edition", I will end on a Friday. Now that's providing everything else goes along with the program. Tonight I will turn in for my one night of being able to sleep in, oh serenity now!

Third Zap's a Charm

Each day as I go to radiation, I get to put on a pretty little (actually not so little) gown on my upper half. This is so that when I get on the radiation table to get zapped, they can push my body around and situate me just in the right position. However today, my machine, yes I stake claim to it, was not working so my people took me to another machine. Instead of wasting the time putting on a gown and getting all crazy situated, I hopped up on the table just bare boobing it. The techs raised up the table as they do every day, and low and behold that damned machine decided to break down too. So there I was boobs and all hanging out up on this table when the technology "fixers" came in to assess the problem. Nice as my radiation techs are though they put a blanket over my top. There I sat with a blanket hanging out when the fixers said that it wasn't going to happen. I thought maybe I was getting a free day, but then I was told to come back that afternoon. Sure enough the third time's a charm, and they squeezed me in on another machine for my daily zap!

A Case of the Chemos

Today I didn't have much news about my endoscopy. The pathology reports weren't quite back from the biopsies that were taken. On the up side, there is no evidence to suggest an ulcer, which is funny since those were most of my symptoms. The ultrasound of my gallbladder and other body parts in the stomach region turned up fine as well. So it may be a case of the chemos where it just makes the stomach pissed off enough to hate everything coming or going for months after the fact. I should know a bit more once the path report is back.

When Water Buffaloes go Dry

Today I will get my stomach scoped. I'm sure it will be fine, but the down side is that I can not eat or drink a thing until after it's over. The appointment is at 1:30. For the life of me, I can not even begin to understand why the medical profession feels it necessary to tell people they can not eat or drink for the day. I get that it will interfere with the sedation and results of the scope, but seriously could we just come up with a way to have a light snack and some water. I've been existing on light food for weeks now anyhow, but the whole water thing. We all know that I'm part water buffalo with my liter bottles that I consume everyday. I hope that I have water on reserve in my spare tank. The consolation is that hopefully I will find out what's wrong with my stomach and go back to eating normally.

Leading a Double Life

Leading a double life has taken a new meaning for me. These days I spend the majority of my time in IC and then for super fun, I make the 2 hour trip back to DM. It's the blending of cancerville and reality, only that line has become very gray. So in IC, it's mostly about cancerville, but thank goodness I'm a social gal because it affords me an IC lifestyle outside of hospital appointments. But this past weekend, I made the trip to DM, and settled back in to my old lifestyle if only for a brief moment. That's when it hit me that I really am leading two lives at the moment. Cancerville used to be a day's trip to IC and then mostly resumed in DM, now it's all in IC and DM seems to be a lifetime away. So now when I'm in DM, I can pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is going on and only resume cancerville while in IC.

Stomachs and Rest Stops

To properly settle in to HL, I will need to transition from motel life to "lodge" life. Therefore, I decided to take the 125 mile to DM to get more home-like amenities for myself. So this afternoon amidst the fog and haze, I set out to drive. The drive was fine yet a bit boring, and with the limited visibility, I wasn't always sure where I was at. That's why when my stomach started to go haywire for what seems to be the gazillionth day in a row, I had no idea where to stop. The rest stop at the half way point came right up on me, and I just missed it. So I traveled a few miles down the road to again miss an exit. On the third try, I made the exit and popped off to a convenience store to attend to my stomach. I can't wait until Tuesday for my endoscopy to get some answers. At least I can have a little R&R in my home surroundings for the weekend, and return back to Iowa City "IC" with stuff to make me feel more at home.

Community Preview

My first night in the Hope Lodge (HL) was definitely not like the "OC", but I think I can manage. People have been friendly for the most part, and it seems to be a community. This must be what it's like in a senior community, only their bond is age not necessarily illness. What a lovely preview for me to see what I have to look forward to. Only I think I'll choose a place that's nice, sunny and 75.

Hope Lodge

I moved today so no more motel life for me. My number came up on the waiting list in order to open up a room for me, apparently 13 wasn't so unlucky after all. The Hope Lodge has me for the next six or so weeks. How perfect it is to be temporarily settled in a new "home". It will be interested to meet a new wave of people all going through their own personal visit in cancerville. And as an added welcome, there is a potluck both Wednesday and Thursday nights. I can't wait.

Stomach Scans and Warm Sensations

In order to address my stomach problem, this morning I went to a gastro doc (GID for short). He was very thorough and decided that I needed a few tests to more accurately assess the situation. Yesterday I spent much of the day with a stomach ache and really did not eat, and that spilled over to today. Lucky for me, the whole not eating turned out to be a good thing for my lovely stomach scan. Yep I had my stomach scanned, and I can honestly say that this was a first. But before that happened the GID thought it might help to indicate where the trouble is by pressing on my stomach. That turned out to not be so much fun as the upper part got a little pissed from the pushing. Then when I went in for the stomach scan, I had to drink contrast, which is why it turned out to be a good thing I hadn't eaten otherwise I couldn't have done this today. There were actually two contrast drinks that I consumed, and even more when I got under the machine. Let me tell you that when I had the contrast injected into my IV, I had a warm sensation go throughout my body with a lovely metallic chaser. The warm sensation was like no other sensation I've ever felt, and at one point, I had thought I pee'd my pants. Yes I just wrote that. That was the strangest thing, even though it didn't actually happen. And just as quickly as it crept up on me, it faded away and the scan began. Just as a little bonus, I get to have my stomach scoped next.

Hard, Solid Thinking

"Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think." This was an infamous phrase from Dr. King's book Strength to Love (1963). While the context of this was in sermon, I can interpret this as part of my journey in cancerville and fitting of this day in which we observe his thoughtfulness and inspiration. I'm not saying I necessarily agree with everything he said nor the delivery, but there is significance in the fact that sometimes things would be a hell of a lot easier if the path was just spelled out. Of course, I am a Wo-man not a man as referred to, and I have done some hard thinking over the weeks. It's been excruciating. Yet seeing as thought is a way to come to a more solid conclusion, that's the path I chose. I can only hope that I did the hard, solid thinking in a manner befitting the situation and came to appropriate solutions.

A Worry for Another Day

ABD-I was back today so I saw her first thing this morning. It helped to see the doctor that has followed my journey in cancerville and can assess the situation with full scrutinizing. I was able to express my concerns to her to come to a better understanding of where I'm at. With my barfing episode on Sunday, I wanted to address restarting the continuance of chemo. Since I have a sensitive stomach, I really am not comfortable going forward with that until I know what is the exact problem going on in there. After a thorough discussion, we decided that I would go to a gastro-intestinal doctor, and it so happens that they will see me on Tuesday. Once I can figure out why my stomach is having so many problems, be it an ulcer or something else, I will be more comfortable putting the chemo drug in my body. The downside, this could mean more intimate time with my insides, and it changes the cancerville situation a bit. That's a worry for another day though.

Stubborn in Cancerville

Yesterday I was having a cancerville kind of day. I'd been sitting on the outskirts agonizing over my decisions since my appointment on January 5th. Really since surgery went well, I put it in my head that I wanted to be done. As I know from experience with myself, I'm stubborn as the day is long (yes you can all say what a revelation this is, ha). This stubbornness has apparently gotten me into trouble in this situation since I have it in my stubborn head that I'm just ready to be done with cancerville. Once I have my mind set in a certain way; it's hard to remove it. Today I have a little bit better frame of mind. The RO took me into his office, got my personal radiation planner, and together they showed me how they arrived at my radiation plan. It was definitely above and beyond what he needed to do, but nonetheless, I appreciated it since I like details. Armed with a better attitude today, the boob frying commenced.

A Frying Pan Kind of Day

The drive between Des Moines and Iowa City can be very daunting. I think that I've seen way too much of the agricultural landscape to be able to decipher where I am at anymore. At one point yesterday afternoon, I was so excited that I had made it past the halfway mark of Grinnell only to see the rest stops for the Grinnell exit about 20 minutes later down the road. Seriously how much less exciting could the drive be that I was more than a few miles off from where I thought I was at and had an hour left to drive. Autopilot, what? Well I made it that's the point, and today I had a dry run with radiation that went smoothly. This was after I had a medical oncology appointment with another doctor since ABD-I was out sick. I proceeded to grill this doctor in my Devin way about whether or not I needed to be doing radiation and more treatments. Pretty sure I'm at the point where I just don't want to be at a hospital anymore. Then I met with RO (radiation oncologist) and expressed my concerns again. I'm just not feeling confident with my decisions right now, and it doesn't help that the burden lies on me to make the final decision. Of course I get the fact that medically radiation is the logical and necessary step, but seriously when is enough enough? Damn it, where's the frying pan when I need it!!!!!!!!

Motel Life for Me

Given the setback I had yesterday, today I've spent much of the day preparing to live in Iowa City at a motel for the first two to three weeks of radiation. The problem is that I won't have a kitchen, and I have to check out on the weekends. Being creative on what to eat and how to make has proven a bit interesting. Packing is also a challenge since I will be staying with friends on said weekends. I'm not looking forward to taking my stuff in to the motel only to take it back out. Finding short-term housing or other arraignments that I'm comfortable proved somewhat difficult so motel life is my next best option. My name is 13th on the waiting list for housing for patients that live over a specified mileage away from UIHC. Not sure how I feel about the number 13 since many places omit that number, such as hotels, tall buildings, and other superstitious localities. Maybe thirteen will turn out to be my lucky number. Either way, it's always an adventure with me, and I can honestly say that I've never "lived" in a motel. Checking in tomorrow: I just know it will be awesome!

Flu, Ulcer or Bad Food

Do I have the flu or is it the ulcer? This is the question of the day. I woke up this sunny Sunday morning feeling fine and went about my plans to meet some friends to say au revoir. After eating a bit of brunch with a little flare, my stomach started to get upset. I realize I'm still a bit touchy and not back to my former normal self, but it's been a few months so I didn't think too much about a little adventure in eating. Therefore I went about the rest of the plans I had for the day only to decide about 10 minutes after leaving the eating venue that I needed to return home. Have you ever had one of those emergencies where you know you just need to be in the comfort of your own home? Well that was the case as I ran in the door and promptly regurgitated my brunch. So instead of packing today, I was a lazy pile on the couch. The question still remains, is it the flu or the ulcer? Alternate theory: bad food.

Neuropathy Numbness

I am having a hard time shaking a few lingering side effects from chemo. And my on going feud with Mother Nature is not helping matters. I've noticed over the last few days that my neuropathy in my arms and fingers has really flared up. It would appear that the cold weather or should I say extremely cold weather exacerbates the problem. Initially, the consensus was that it would probably subside after I concluded my first rounds of chemo. Yet as the weather kept getting colder, my fingers and arms kept getting more numb. On a few occassions while sleeping, my hands hurt were so numb, it woke me up. Much like the master herself though, the numbness seems to be stubborn. I'll see what ABD-I has in her bag of tricks on this subject since she has the pleasure of seeing me this week:)

Sprout

Yesterday while packing up a few things in the bathroom to prepare for my radiation move, I glanced at myself in the mirror. This is something that I tend to avoid doing these days since avoidance of looking at myself in depth tends to let me live in fantasy land a little bit or at least until some things take on some more normalcy. Anyhow, when I glimpsed over, I noticed a rather large patch of hair sticking shot up with a slight curve to it. At first I was slightly annoyed, but then I thought heck this gives me a little bit more character to my already uniquely crazy character. Sure enough my hair was just as noticeable as Alfalfa's sticking up, only no product or hair licking required. So if the little rascals need an addition, say in the form of a bigger rascal, I'm signing up as Alfalfa's big sister "Sprout".

Jack Handy Drawrings

Well about that blue marker I was sent home with...yes I was instructed to keep my markings as evident as possible since they will be used for my actual treatments. My other option was to have tape put on over the markings so as to not wash them away. I opted to not have the adhesive put anywhere given my recent encounters with adhesive leaving rashes on my body. I'm still dealing with the residual effects of a recent rash, darned skin anyhow. In the interest of "saving the markings" in order to "save the boobs", I use my little blue sharpie everyday to enhance the markings. Little Jack Handy would have a field day being able to complete such drawrings. The downfall, I have blue ink all over my one very large bra.

Press on Tatoo

It's a press on tatoo. Well maybe not a press on tatoo like the one that Meg Ryan gave Andy Garcia in "when a man loves a woman", but I do have something resembling a temporary tatoo. It seems as though the preparations for radiation are a bit scripted after the initial consultation with the doctors. I'm sure all of it is very standardized, and the staff go through the motions many times a year. I was swiftly taken into a room with a machine that shines infrared beams onto my body and given an ultrasound and CT. As I was laying on a table with my arms above my head, one of the radiation therapists informed me that she, along with other staff in the room, would be putting markings on my body so they could plan out my radiation treatment. These are used to determine my positioning for the radiation. So without making a move, they wrote on my upper body with blue marker a total of six times. I know have my own version of press on tatoos with the option to make them permanent, and I was even sent home with my very own blue marker.

Boob Frying Preparations

With the New Year, I find myself out the outskirts of cancerville trying to decide if I want to reside for a bit longer or bypass it altogether. After spending another long day at UIHC, I'm not convinced that radiation is the right option to subject my body to. Yet it is a necessary evil in cancerville similar to all those general education classes in college that I had to take, painfully dreadful with no guarantee it's applicable. I know, I know that every bit of research to date states that doing the radiation shows positive benefit. The radiation oncologist, (here on out refered to as RO) and the resident doctor (here on out referred to TRD) both agreed that for a person my age, it would be wise to participate. Somewhat reluctantly I went through the four hour motions to get all the preparations done and will start next week. Of course I still have the "option" to rescind my participation in the boob frying up to the date.

Maxi Padding

Out of all the quirky and inventive things I cook up, I think today might have taken the prize. After several days of doctoring up my abscess, I had enough of my bra sitting right on top of the area. It was unavoidable however because my incision is in the crease area where my bra naturally sits upon my rib cage in order to support the gals. And to keep my gals in line, it takes a mighty bra. I have been using the non-underwire, very large bra from the fitting store yet it still was putting the full court press on my sore area. Obviously what I was doing wasn't cutting it, and I had become increasingly uncomfortable. The area even felt as if I had a nasty pulled muscle with a skin irritation. So in my little bag of tricks, I decided to take a maxi pad and do some "padding" to the area. I just took the pad out of the packaging, put the absorbent side along my abscess, and secured it in with tape. This proved to be brilliant, just short of Einstein, because for the entire day, my bra didn't feel like it was smashing into my incision and surrounding rib cage. I think I may even try it again tomorrow.

New Year, New Me

I enter 2010 with a "new boob" so why not start out with some sort of new year's resolution? Usually I'm not the type to commit to or even make an empty promise to myself such as a new year's resolution knowing full well that it's a fantasy that will not become reality after a few weeks of nostalgic determination. Just hearing about the weight loss gimmicks, renew my inner self or other feel good promotions targeted toward that annual resolve makes me want to turn around and run like hell. Yet this year I feel compelled to make a commitment to a new year and a new me. So my official New Year's resolution is to keep cancer out of my life. I know that I don't have the control on all of this, but I can at least do my part by leading a healthy lifestyle that surely should contribute to a healthy body, not a breeding ground for cancerville.

Closing the Door

Today marks the end of the year and tomorrow a new one. My hope is to ring this one out on a good note minus the few issues I've had in the past couple of weeks. For 2009, I get to close the door on my mega doses of chemo that took me out for days at a time and a surgery that removed a killer tumor. I'm fairly confident that by leaving this chapter behind, I can start a new one for next year. I think that I have a pretty good inkling on what my New Year's resolution will be, but I think I'll wait until tomorrow to actually commit to it.

An Explosion Inside Called Ulcer

My body again doesn't seem to want to be cooperative, even though it's on "vacation" from cancerville. About a month ago, I talked to ABD-I about some stomach pains that I had been having for approximately a month prior. On some days, it had been keeping me down and out for the count. I really thought it was some odd delayed side effect from my last treatment, but it turns out from the description I was giving that it was an ulcer. Chemo is crazy that way wrecking all sorts of havoc on the body. If a person has ever had an ulcer, they know it's like an explosion inside from an internal organ eating monster. I had never experienced this kind of debilitating feeling before. Usually I consider my pain tolerance fairly high, but the stomach is a different story. So a month ago, I left the doctor with medication to simmer my insides. However today, it flared up and made me take some down time. I just hope that it cooperates to ring in the New Year.